‘To Share My Truth’

Why therapy speak is on the rise in relationships — and, how it can be more harmful than helpful.

In 2023, actor Jonah Hill joined the Hollywood ‘cancelled club’ (at least temporarily) when a series of concerning texts to his then-girlfriend Sarah Brady went public. The messages contained a laundry list of things he didn’t want his partner to do, like, wear a bikini or surf with men. Then, he stated “I am not the right partner for you if these things bring you happiness. I support it and there will be no hard feelings [but] these are my boundaries for a romantic relationship.”

The texts aren’t nasty, per se (though, they reek of controlling misogyny). But, what feels so jarring is the manipulative use of the word ‘boundaries.’ Here, we see Hill repurpose a communication method commonly used in therapy as a vehicle to justify giving his girlfriend an ultimatum. And, he’s not the only one.

‘Therapy speak’ — a phrase used to describe the prescriptive and formal language patterns used by mental health professionals — is becoming more mainstream outside the four walls of a clinic.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this yourself. You try to talk to your partner about the rough day you had in the office, and they tell you they are unfortunately “not able to hold space for you at this time.” Or, you get a long wall of text from that friend you haven’t heard from in months, listing out all the things you’ve done ‘wrong’ and ending the friendship to “protect their peace.”

At best, it can leave you blindsided as to why your loved one is acting like an emotionless robot all of a sudden. At worst, it can feel cruel and controlling — like you’re a naughty child being scolded. In any case, it’s not hard to see why this communication style is becoming so commonplace, particularly amongst Gen Z and millennials.

The pitfalls of pattern-breaking

Most of us grew up with parents who didn’t have access to the same level of psychoeducation that we have today. There were no podcasts, no YouTube and seeing a ‘shrink’ was still largely seen as taboo and something that only ‘crazy’ people did. Combine the lack of education with intergenerational trauma and it’s no surprise we saw our caregivers communicate with each other in some…less than ideal ways. All of that bickering, stonewalling and namecalling is enough to make us desperately want something different for our own relationships. 

And, luckily for us, we have the resources to do so. There are thousands of books about healthy communication styles at our fingertips, therapy is much more accessible and normalised — and, even if you can’t afford to see a professional, psychology advice is a dime-a-dozen on social media.

The trouble is, though we may try to speak like one, most of us aren’t therapists. And, we’re only really privy to a small snippet to the ecosystem of tools and techniques these professionals use when working with clients. Plus, terms like ‘boundaries’ and ‘triggered’ are designed to be used to facilitate self-inquiry in a clinical setting — not to be weaponised in conversation against other people.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel shed some light on this: “It’s very important to show that therapy is a highly relational, nuanced, and contextual conversation. That is very different from what you get on TikTok or IG or your friends in armchairs.” 

When we communicate in what’s essentially rebranded psychobabble, it can come across as disingenuous and preachy. As a result, we’re likely to be met with resistance and defensiveness from the person on the receiving end. At the same time, it also shuts down the opportunity to have a productive conversation. 

Perel gives the example: 

“I don’t like what you do, so I say you’re gaslighting me. You have a different opinion, and I bring in a term that makes it impossible for you to even enter into a conversation with me. Labeling enables me to not have to deal with you.” 

So, if amateur therapy speak is unproductive, how else can we get our point across without resorting to emotionally-charged tirades? Here’s some tips to keep in mind.